Reflections on our Possible Last?

As I write this post, it has occurred to me just how fast this summer is passing us by.

The summer season seemed to reside on a distant planet.

DISTANT I TELL YOU!

The space in which was between me and my due date was never close enough. Couple that with a winter season who buried us alive, freezing our sanity in the icicles hanging on the outside eaves of the house. Everyone who had a vagina seemed to be pregnant, and I was towards the tail end of the baby train. You were happy for those ahead of you having their baby, but childishly burned with envy, that it was you instead.

Now I sit and look at how we are almost done with the month of August. In a few weeks, Alden will be turning three months. It feels like forever ago and at the same time, just last month.

This brings me to nearing a very hard time as a momma.

It isn't the sleep deprivation, shirt changes from spit up (like I have time to change clothes anyways), fussy moments when all you want is to sit down and enjoy dinner. I can't remember the last time I was afforded the luxury of dining.

Where each bite was savored.....appreciated....and not eaten in such a rapid ferocious manner one would eat as if this was your last meal ever and a herd of tyrannosaurus rex was headed in your way. Behold the powers of a crying baby.

I think I'd just enjoy being able to eat and not have to dodge gross covered hands using my clothes as their personal napkin.

What brings me a great deal of personal and ridiculous distress is when you have to start putting away outgrown baby clothes.....sigh.

Why are these sleepers with silhouettes of elephants/firetrucks/dinosaurs causing such emotional turmoil!?

BUT THEY'RE SO DARN CUTE!
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE OUTGROWN IT ALREADY!?
YOUR UMBILICAL CORD STUMP JUST FELL OFF THE OTHER DAY!

Curse you Lord for not designing our children with a pause button!

I've been caught off guard by the feelings, or lack thereof, of having an overwhelming desire of feeling complete with our family size. Yet, the thought of being pregnant again and going through a 3rd cesarean as I approach turning 33 brings a quick reality check. And as I laid my youngest down in the crib while Thing one and Thing two were fast asleep in the same room....where on earth would we put a fourth child in our place if we still remain in this house!?

I cheer on each of my children for reaching new developmental milestones....but silently weep inside.

Matt feels very much content and complete with our number of bio kids. He is very verbal, stating if we do add to the family, they will either be house broken or come with underwear.

So as each new day comes to pass...sometimes you can just say "screw it" and let your baby fall asleep at the breast instead of self soothing while drowsy away from you.

laundry and house chores will have to wait because....I'm holding my baby :)